The proctologist’s office may not be the best place to study the opening lines of my intimacies character, Fernando, a flamenco dancer: “‘A man needs to be fucked.’ Those were his exact words. This white boy with yellow hair, the color of corn. From Ohio. Or Iowa.”
I swear that I don’t stage these juxtapositions; I brought my script because I knew there would be the inevitable time in the waiting room, anticipating the exam of my butt. “I feel his finger slide into my ass as he works his way up from my feet,” Fernando says, “kissing my ankles, my calves, my knees, my thighs, my balls. I am completely wet.”
My body has undergone dramatic changes since I first performed this character, nearly two decades ago. Other than the “HIV-positive” diagnosis, my body—at thirty-nine years old—was unmarked by the virus.
The most nagging issue resultant from HIV is the incurable neuropathy in my feet; starting with a tingling sensation, graduating to numbness and ending in a burning feeling—as each day unfolds. Pain medication, foot massages, and exercise definitely help but don’t ever rid me of the relentless discomfort, 24/7.
Now there’s the possibility of anal or colon cancer. “Men with HIV are 100% more likely to develop anal cancer,” my proc tells me. I am diagnosed with “anal dyslplasia” which merely suggests that there’s some “abnormal changes” usually associated with human papilloma virus but nothing to panic about; in other words, it doesn’t necessarily point to anal cancer but it must be regularly checked. A colonoscopy is something that I must endure simply because of my age.
The proctologist appointment is on a Monday so I bookend my “work week” with a visit to the tattoo parlor. While I’ve certainly made my share of statements, I’ve never imprinted any on my body—now, approaching sixty—I feel it’s time.
I suppose I could count the two ugly scars on my tummy; reminders of a staph infection that managed to invade when I was injecting myself during a year-long hepatitis-C treatment. While the hep-C virus has thankfully remained “undetectable” for a couple of years, the scars remain. My friend Joe Gill says that they are “stars, not scars—like the stars that a general in the army earns.”
I’ve also been feeling afraid of these twentieth anniversary performances of intimacies, afraid that my body might not hold out—in spite of my newly charged commitment to yoga and all that ensues from that discipline. I need to commit to the work—not in a “let’s put on a show” way but in a way that deepens my body-mind-spirit connection to the artistic process.
How? I will get a tattoo above my heart that says, “intimacies” and have it underlined with a red scarf.
The red scarf is the show’s insignia—the sole prop that allows me to transition from one character to another. The notion of getting a tattoo is not, for me, a fashion statement. I’d like to think that it goes deeper; I think of it as a tribal act of emblazoning my body with a word that defines my ongoing artistic quest.
The Los Feliz tattoo joint (www.funnyhfarmtattoo.com) is resplendent in creativity; the walls are alive with the pulsating work of the propriertor-artist. And while I assume that Bob is heterosexual, he didn’t bludgeon me with that fact. He’s cool, truly cool. When I made the appointment, Bob told me to prepare for when “the adrenaline kicks in.” Hooked. That’s all this Adrenaline Queen needed to hear.
I make a crude design of what I want the tat to look like: the word, handwritten, in all lower case letters, with the red scarf extending from the “s” and accenting “intimacies.” It took him less than twenty minutes to draw it, capturing precisely what I asked for.
Then the work began and, like most things, my anticipation of the discomfort was far greater than the actual execution. It was intense—and, God knows, intimate—but it certainly didn’t make me flinch; I did not have the “fight or flight” response that Bob said some people naturally have. The adrenaline did kick in, as promised, and there was profound sense of power in making intimacies manifest on my body, near my heart, where the characters were born, where they reside, and where they will emerge from as the year unfolds.
It should also be noted that this mischievous indulgence took place while Tia, my soon-to-be fifteen-year old, was out of town. I know, I know, it’s clearly a role reversal of “What will the teenager do when the Daddy is out of town?”
I also know that doing something entirely for my self is part of the natural (and healthy) separation that Tia and I are experiencing although it makes me very sad. The physical contact between a father and daughter evolves and each of the players’ relationship to their bodies changes. While I hope that our physical affection never entirely diminishes, she is taking ownership of her body and I am reclaiming ownership of mine. We are right on course and the tattoo makes sense in that light as well.
Fernando has five children when his deadly dalliance with Jim takes place (“I call him Jim-Boy because he looks like he could have been on The Waltons”). When I first played Fernando, who is fiftyish, I was about ten years younger than he is. Now I’m about ten years older but we are more closely linked by the reality of me being a parent. And while I don’t have lesions on my feet, I can substitute the neuropathy: “Those are not lesions on my feet,” he says. “They are badges of passion, purple tattoos oozing from places on my skin where his lips touched, feet first, then moving up my legs, inside my ass, up my chest, inside my mouth, until I am covered with his lovely kisses, his deadly marks. A violet shroud of love and death.”
So Fernando and I are now more closely merged. And we both have that fabulous, truly fabulous, tattoo.
BTW, I’m going to perform Fernando at Highways Performance Space on July 10/11as part of Gay Powered: Then & Now, an evening that includes work from Derek Ringold and John W. McLaughlin.
Great Blog, Michael!
Big warm mushy love to you.
xxo
Posted by: John W. McLaughlin | 07/01/2009 at 12:52 PM
Insurance should be bought to protect you against a pre qualify for car loan that would otherwise be financially devastating.
In simple terms, insurance allows someone who suffers a loss or best loan consolidation to be compensated for the effects of their misfortune. It lets you protect yourself against everyday risks to your health, home and financial situation.
Insurance in India started without any regulation in the how much is private mortgage insurance Nineteenth Century. It was a typical story of a colonial epoch: few British insurance companies dominating the market serving mostly large urban centers. After the independence, it took a theatrical turn. Insurance was nationalized. First, the life insurance companies were nationalized in 1956, and then the general insurance business was ex company car driver insurance nationalized in 1972. It was only in 1999 that the private insurance companies have been allowed back into the business of insurance with a maximum of 26% of foreign holding.
The insurance industry is enormous and can be contents insurance claims quite intimidating. Insurance is being sold for almost anything and everything you can imagine. Determining what's right for you can be a very daunting task.
Concepts of insurance have been extended beyond the compare building insurance quotes coverage of tangible asset. Now the risk of losses due to sudden changes in currency exchange rates, political disturbance, negligence and liability for the damages professional indemnity can also be covered.
But if a person thoughtfully invests in insurance for his property young driver motor insurance prior to any unexpected contingency then he will be suitably compensated for his loss as soon as the extent of damage is ascertained.
The entry of the State Bank of India with its proposal of van insurance rates bank assurance brings a new dynamics in the game. The collective experience of the other countries in Asia has already deregulated their markets and has allowed foreign companies to participate. If the experience of the other countries is any guide, the dominance of the Life Insurance Corporation and the General Insurance Corporation is not going to disappear any time soon.
The aim of all insurance is to compensate the owner against loss arising from a variety mortgage life insurance quote of risks, which he anticipates, to his life, property and business. Insurance is mainly of two types: life insurance and general insurance. General insurance means Fire, Marine and Miscellaneous insurance which includes insurance against burglary or theft, fidelity guarantee, insurance for employer's liability, and insurance of motor vehicles, livestock and crops.
Posted by: grootosnody | 10/10/2011 at 12:30 AM